Chien Noir

I’ve always had a pretty on-off relationship with Christmas. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it sucks. Naturally this has a lot to do with my personal frame of mind at the time since life, as they say, is what you make of it. Suffice to say thing year Christmas really fucking sucked big hairy balls. Which isn’t to say Christmas itself was bad. I actually had a good 25th all told thanks to friends taking me in and I wouldn’t want them to think for one minute they were to so with my general ennui – far from it.

In short, dear reader, after a few months of on and off growling the Black Dog decided to return at some point in mid December with a vengeance. Which, as you can imagine, was really rather annoying since everything was going so well up to then. But that’s the nature of the beast – always turning up when you least want him.

(A cautionary note. Starting a course of anti-depressants, specifically the sort that will send your moods swinging all over the place for a fortnight as you brain adjusts to the sudden influx of selective seretonin re-uptake inhibiting chemicals, a week before Christmas while everyone else is all “yay Christmas!” is possibly not the wisest of moves.)

But anyway, I don’t want to go on about this. Alongside everything else it’s a little known fact that depression is really fucking boring. It’s the most tedious, irritating illness I’ve ever come across and once the cat is out of the bag it’s a bitch to put it away again. There it goes, dominating the conversation and colouring perceptions, more mine than anyone else’s, and I do find it’s a self-perpetuating thing. Above all I really don’t want to be depressed. I don’t like myself when I’m depressed. I take no comfort from being depressed. After, what is it now, going on 20 years of having this bastard thing jutting into my life at inopportune moments I’m heartily sick of it. I just want to get on and do the things that I do without the black cloud, this heavy weight, that’s stopping me.

Which, in a rather dramatic and roundabout way, is why I haven’t been posting much recently. Or taking any photos come to that.

Still, at least December is over. Clean slate and all that. And a plan, of sorts, to finally get Created in Birmingham back on track. January shall be a doing month.

Finally, to all those, including family, who I really should have told about this over the last fortnight – yes, I know. I know. Consider this the telling and we can move on from here, okay? And thanks.