peteashtondotcom

Pete is ill update: Saw my proper doctor today. In short, she put my medication up to 30mg of Seroxat (same as Paroxetine) and expects me to be on it for a number of years because this has been going on for so long. “Two or three years or maybe longer”. I feel oddly institutionalised right now, though not in a bad way.

Nice doctor - didn’t try to convert me to anything. The surgery is really odd. The reception and waiting room are really horrible and scummy but behind the scenes it’s all lovely and clinical.

Felt really tired when I got home despite having only done half a day at work and spent most of that on the phone. Slept for three hours and woke to see dark clouds rushing by in the twilight. Kinda spooky. Kate’s out for the evening. I don’t appear to cope very well on my own these days. Really must eat something.

Actually, on that note, I was rather intrigued to discover that I’m the perfect weight for my height. If it wasn’t for Kate I wouldn’t eat regularly at all and managed to get skinnier over the last month. I’d always been suspicious of this “medically overweight” thing and, to be frank, if I’m the correct weight then the whole thing must be bollocks.

I discovered Hoogerbrugge last November and just checked it out again. Oh happy joy, a new thing! F L O W is an intense int’ractive music clicky thing of the distubing variety that I would have to rate rather highly. Go play.

This Alexa web search thing is a bit odd. It seems to combine the info from whois with some Google searches and combines them in an Amazon-esque interface giving the impression that your shopping for web sites.

I’m not sure I like this. Partly it’s the shopping connotations and partly it’s the fact that their stats are based on user of the Alexa toolbar, which I’ve never known anyone to use, which means it’s more a marketing idea than something useful and accurate. I can’t see why you’d use this for anything when Google is around. It’s not like the Open Directory Project has been a runaway success getting people to review stuff so there’s no reason to think Alexa is going to crack it.

No sir, I don’t like it. File under “will hopefully go away in a few months”.

Saw the nurse at the doctor’s surgery today. She was very nice and friendly and kinda cute, but after taking my blood pressure and going through the medical history questions she spent 45 minutes or so explaining to me that God and Jesus could help my depression no end. Which was, shall we say, mildly disconcerting. I grant you she has a point and that a spiritual dimension is not a bad thing to have when you’re carrying a mental burden. And I must say the idea of offloading my worries on to Jesus is not something I can argue against with ease. Which is the end of the day point. You can’t argue with faith - it’s like trying to hammer water into shape, or something.

There’s a time and a place for theological discussions and, while I have respect for those with such convictions and in some ways envy their outlook on life, the doctors surgery is not one of them. I’m talking to this person about some of my darkest secrets and fears. I’m vulnerable.

I was careful not to try and argue with her or anything for fear it would add fuel to her fire. I can’t argue against religious faith because, for all it’s strengths, it’s not a particularly logical point of view and logical arguments tend to be turned around and thrown back at you. Because as a human being you don’t know the answers to the eternal questions. And, at the end of the day, the whole Jesus thing is pretty enticing. He’ll take the burden of your worries and then you get to go to Heaven. Nice.

So I stayed quiet and starred at the wall until I was allowed to go. To be honest this silent treatment probably prolonged things, but it seemed the safe option. Like I said, I don’t have a problem with religion and I accept a spiritual path could well help me in some way, be it full on church going or meditation or a martial art or voluntary work or whatever.

I have a problem with people in positions of authority over vulnerable people thinking it’s okay to preach their religion at them. I don’t go to a nurse for that. It worries me that the nurse thinks this is a good thing.

As a side note, Matthew has a similar experience, if I remember rightly, only it was his counsellor who tried to convert him. I wonder how prevalent this kind of activity really is…

P.S. I’d rather not engage in a debate about this via email, if that’s okay with you guys!

I’m dead happy with this photo. Unlike most of my photos it wasn’t just a happy accident - I was struck by how domineering this tree looked as I walked up Greek Street towards Soho Square. The sun was out and bright and it seemed bigger than it should be in the urban jungle. London isn’t actually that big - you can walk across Zone 1 in a few hours - but it seems big and complicated because you can rarely see more than a few feet in front of you. While this does make for a lot of psychologically different areas within a small space which gives London it’s wonderful diversity and vitality, it can be a bit oppressive being surrounded by buildings all the time. At this point I’d been inside for a few hours. Suddenly Soho Square looked like a lush forest. Nice.

The City of London Churches - a madly good site perfectly timed as I look forward to going back to the City in a fortnight after my three month secondment at Charing Cross Road. Lovingly put together as a photographic record of 55 churches within the Square Mile this should give you the perfect reason to wander around the City on a weekend. (Thanks to Luke)

Oh, I should also say that I’ve got a lot of unanswered mail and I’m not really in the mood to deal with it right now. Will do soon though!

Haven’t logged on for a while - the spam in my in box was quite disturbing - partly because I’ve been busy but also because I haven’t really wanted, or needed, to. Whatever, doesn’t mean much in the long run.

Thursday I met up with Kath my old mate from Uni who I hadn’t seen for a good three years. She was seeing someone at Foyles about them stocking cards made up from her photos. It went very well. Not only are they paying up front for a few hundred cards but they want to use her photography for their feminist lecture season posters and have offered her a slot in their gallery. Nice one. We had a good chat over lunch and she called me a geek for having this weblog and regaled me with her stories of getting dysentery in Kurdistan.

Friday was pretty uneventful other than getting ready for the CXR closure party. Suffice to say we transformed the basement of the shop into something resembling a harem, covering every surface with coloured material. I have photos but they’re not developed yet.

The closure happened on Saturday at 6.30pm. We got a good 40 or so people along and the Champaign drinking went down well. Then, when that ran out, onto the Phoenix bar over the road for more drinking until 3.00am. I had two glasses of champers and then, once in the bar, decided to fuck this sobriety thing and had another 6 or so pints. And it was good, though the hangover was rather nasty this morning.

Today has been spent in bed or on the sofa. Done absolutely bugger all and it’s been quite wonderful.

New in grids: Grid 003

Google Answers - interesting development. You specify how much you’re prepared to pay for a question to be answered by an expert researcher. If the money’s good enough a researcher takes up the question and answers it in a timely manner. If you’re happy they get 75% of the money. If you’re not happy you can apply for a refund and give them a bad rating. Sounds very much like how eBay works only here you’re bidding for info.

Word of warning to anyone thinking of buying a l’espion digital camera. I keep it in a pouch on my belt at all times so it gets a few knocks during the day. There’s something wrong with the USB port and it doesn’t like being moved around when connected to the computer so it’s not much good as a web cam any more unless it’s lying flat on the desk. Still, it was £40 but it looks like I’m going to have to get another camera if I want full on webcam stuff.

Another bad day. Ho hum. Was chatting with friend James who was recently on the same medication last night and it will be a couple of weeks before it kicks in properly so I’m currently still in the sine-wave cycle of ups and downs. Was supposed to contact the doctor today (had a day off work) but couldn’t do anything until about 4.00 by which time they were shut, it being a Wednesday. Will phone again tomorrow.

On a more positive note I was also talking to friend Dave who wants to learn a martial art and needs someone to learn with him, so he’s going to drag me along. That kind of physical and mental training can’t be a bad thing.

Continuing the theme of random photos on the street, mate Dave Shelton informs of in-public.com, being a colelction of portfolios by ten photographers who “recognise and capture the unusual in the everyday”.

First up, thanks to everyone who’d emailed recently. S’appreciated.

Been feeling much better over the last couple of days. So much so that the bad times of last week seem a long way away. I almost have to remind myself that I’m ill, although I know that it does come around again and again and will do sooner rather than later.

Side effects were pretty minimal. I felt pretty doped up for the first couple of days and out of breath after minimal exertion and then had a splitting headache on Friday but I think in retrospect this was mainly down to my not eating or sleeping properly for a few weeks. The flu-thing on Saturday certainly was and by then my spirits were up. Sunday I’ll get to in a minute but today has been fine. I’ve even been lugging boxes around the shop without fainting.

Last time I took Paroxetine/Seroxat I crashed big time for a week with a much worse depression as my body adjusted to the drug. This time I seem to have adjusted much quicker and with no major problems. Hope I’m not speaking too soon, but the uplift in mood has been quite substantial.

It’s actually a good thing I wrote what I did last week because I need to go back and remind myself how I felt. The one thing I mustn’t do at the moment is glide on the good mood and forget about the bad. I’m sure if I took the HAD test right now I’d score way lower because the big black cloud isn’t here right now. I should really think about using this time to figure out where it comes from, which I’m trying to do, although it’s all very complicated.

Anyway, Sunday. As I mentioned last year I got into the whole Friends Reunited thing and got in touch with some people. On Sunday I met up with Dan and Craig and it was good. From 4.00pm-ish to closing time we talked, drank and talked. Very enjoyable, though I suspect it was good because of the people involved. I know it don’t always work out that way. So many memories I’d completely forgotten about brought to the fore with no bad after effects.

Oh yeah. We were in a pub. After five orange juices, two cokes and a lemonade I had half a pint of John Smiths and I must say it was the nicest John Smiths I’ve ever had, and that’s saying something.

There’s been far too many words on this site for my liking of late. Here’s some pictures instead taken at some point today…

I saw this guy getting ready and wondered what was in the mucky bucket he had in his, wadayacallthem, “pod” and what he was going to do with it. Turns out he cleans the street lights, as I witnessed from the first floor window. He spotted me taking the photo and waved, but I didn’t get a shot of him waving.

Homeless people in London are generally not very happy, and understandably so. This guy was very happy indeed. Sitting crosslegged outside Foyles under the scaffolding he was smiling away like he hadn’t a care in the world. Not a manic smile, just a very happy one. Worrying thing is he’s a spitting image of a guy I knew a few years back who was borderline mentalist.

I haven’t seen a rainbow in ages, and definitely not one this impressive. It was really stormy in London this afternoon - total dark sky stuff. As I walked to the flat the sky broke in the west so the setting sun beamed straight into the dark cloud as it went it’s way towards Essex. And this was the result. Nice.

Positively Mental - another good looking weblog / journal from the referrer logs. See how interesting people link to me. See how that makes me interesting.

I’m not the only one messing around with a l’epsion…

Douglas Rushkoff has finally gotten his ass into the world of the Weblog. Kinda cute to see one of the internet-as-community gurus getting to grips with it all.

I’ve been to see Rushkoff talk twice and both time it’s been in dreadfully cool bars filled with dreadfully cool people with an emphasis on the dreadful, and both times he’s managed to inspired me. It’ll be good to have a regular dose of him online.

Booze

I like to drink. I don’t like to drink for drinking’s sake, but I do like being drunk in the company of others, say in a pub or at a party or in a big field. Not so keen on being drunk in a wine bar, but that’s just a personal preference. I like the way booze lubricates a conversation, allowing the most irrational of viewpoints to be taken to their illogical extremes. I like coming home after a heavy session with a select few mates and sitting up till the early hours putting the world to rights. Above all I like sitting in a pub with a pint in one hand, cigarette in the other, attaining that inner peace that only a good pub can provide.

While I am on Paroxetine I cannot drink.

Sod the “dry mouth, diarrhoeah, vomiting, constipation, lack of appetite, dizziness, shaking, feeling shakey, restless or confused, changes in eyesight, difficulty in sleeping, feeling tired or weak, aching or still muscles or joints, seizures (fits) inability to urinate, problems with sexual performance, production of breast milk in men and women [this one I'm looking forward to!], easy bruising, abnormal sweating and unexplained fever.” (These are possible side effects and most should pass in a few weeks.)

I have to “avoid alcohol” for the duration of my treatment.

When I took Paroxetine 4-5 years ago I stopped drinking completely, but I actually wanted to. I wanted a clear head again, and it being the final year at Uni most of my peers were off the boozing circuit. It was nice to have an excuse not to drink after a somewhat hedonistic couple of years. Plus, being students, we didn’t really go out that much - it was more a case of buying cheap wine from the off license and drinking at other people’s houses, so it was easier to abstain.

This time, my social life somewhat revolves around pubs, and the first rule of pubs, especially when there’s plenty of public transport around, is that when in a pub, drink beer.

I checked with the doctor to see exactly what “avoid alcohol” means. Does it mean no alcohol at all? Does it mean one pint and no more? Does it mean alternative between beer and soft drinks? I explained my dilemma in that I am more at peace in a pub that pretty much anywhere else outside of bed and that I didn’t want to lose this positive thing in my life. I’m not particularly dependent on booze - I rarely drink at home unless we have company. She conceded that I could drink, but only in extreme moderation. So I can have a drink after work but no more. Maybe a drink at the end of the night, but not advisable.

So, what does this mean?

It means that at the Comics 2002 festival in Bristol in 6 weeks time, where I would normally drink from 11.00am to 5.00am and have a wonderful time doing so, I will be able to have about three pints of beer. It means on my 30th birthday in September I will be able to drink one, maybe two pints of beer. It means at the CXR closing party next week I will have a pint. It means when we go out for a meal, the sort of meal that demands a glass of red wine, I might be able to have a small glass, but I’d probably better not. It means when we visit Kate’s Dad and he brings out a decent bottle for us to sample, I’ll have to abstain.

It’s not all that bad. I’m going to save a lot of money for certain and I don’t really mind being around drunk people when I’m sober. I actually like people when they’re a bit drunk - they seem to be more on my wavelength, or maybe it’s that their defences are down so I feel more relaxed around them. And it’ll probably do Kate and myself some good to not be around booze so much, especially during the week.

But even so.

Well, 160 people came to this site today. Normally it’s 30-50 or so. I’d been watching the stats build all day with a sense of gooeyness thinking all my mates were checking the site on mass out of concern for me. When it topped 130 I thought I’d check the referrer logs and see exactly where people were coming from and had one of those strange senses of being both chuffed and crushed at the same time. Seems Quonsar over at Everlasting Blort has returned the compliment of my somewhat tongue in cheek link on Sunday: “on a more serious note, pete ashton seems to be one of the better laid-back twenty-something geek weblogs.” So the blog is suddenly popular because it’s been endorsed by another, more popular blog. Which is very nice indeed and I’m chuffed. But finding this out just after I’d rambled somewhat incoherently in an email to my Dad about how everyone seemed to be suddenly wanting to know how Pete is getting on and how this made me feel better… Well…

Also on the logs was this other endorsement. Never thought I’d be included in such illustrious company. Does this make me part of the blogerati? Good job I’ve suddenly found myself some decent material to write about.

Sidenote: “Twenty-something”, eh? I’m 30 in five months and one day. Must look young for my age, at least when the beard isn’t there.

Great Analysis of Mulholland Drive on MetaFilter.

Well, quite a successful day all told. Had a bit of a rough Tuesday and don’t think I would have gotten out of bed had Kate not taken the morning off. We went to the Walk In Centre in Whitechapel around 11.00am and I was fully expecting to just get some information on where to go next. They took my details and, after a brief chat with the Nurse I was asked to wait for a doctor. Kate waited with me for a while then went to work - her job was just getting me there and there was not much she could do but watch daytime TV in the waiting room. I’ve noticed this trend recently to have televisions all over the NHS and I don’t like it, but that’s for another day.

So, a while after Kate had gone the doctor called for me. It’s surprising how seriously doctors take depression these days. As I’ve implied, I wasn’t expecting much. This being one of the poorest areas of the country I fully expected sympathy but not much action. We had a good talk, she treated me with respect and went through all the options, possible causes, long term prospects, etc, etc. I was told there’s a psychiatric A&E nurse locally and to go there if it gets really really bad. While it was a little rough talking about my depression in a clinical environment for the first time in ages I came out feeling like a major step had been taken.

I was given a number to phone to get a doctor (the wittily named “Get A Doc” service) and advised not to traipse around the surgeries because I’d just get passed on due to lists being closed. I just phoned the number and they will find me a doctor, which is good because that’s what they’re supposed to do.

It’s really nice to know that these systems put in place do work when you need them to. And I suppose the point in writing all this here is to reassure anyone needing help that it is there.

I’m now back on Paroxetine 20mg which is what I was on four years ago (although the brand was Seroxat then). She could only prescribe a two week dose from the centre which is why I need to register with a doctor urgently, although I can go back there in a fortnight if it doesn’t happen. There’s a major clue in the packaging as to why this has recurred again.

Even after you start to feel better it is important to keep taking the tablets for as long as the doctor recommends, as this will prevent your symptoms from returning. This should be at least four to six months after you have recovered from your depression.

I stopped last time because I’d left University and the sense of relief was so palpable I felt over the moon, so I just let the tablets run out. The side-effects (nausea and a feeling that my brain was too small and rattling around my skull) went after a week and my mood was good enough that they weren’t a problem. I didn’t go back to the doctor and cut down the dose gradually over time, like what your supposed to do. Oops.

I’ve scanned the Patient Information Leaflet that came with the tablets for anyone who’s interested. I did find it online a few weeks back but can’t find it now.

I’ve also started keeping a diary of what I thinking and feeling when the bad times strike, though this is not public and won’t be for a long time. This weblog will be just for practical stuff.

(Stats are way up today - beaten BugPowder for the first time ever. I’m rather touched, I must say!)

Apparently he’s part of the blogerati but I must say I like Paul Bausch’s blog. Lots of good info, commentary and stuff.

Well, after last night’s posts I notice the stats are up. Not sure what to read into this. Banner advertising perhaps? ;)

(Please read the 12:12 post below first)

This depression, has become my new obsession.

Nothing like a good project to take your mind of things, eh? I’m not actually registered with a doctor and haven’t been since Birmingham two years ago. Which might pose a problem. I tried registering a year back in East Finchley but they wouldn’t take me because they were too booked up. Although I did leave my details with one surgery there and got an NHS card, but I’ve never actually had a checkup or spoken to a doctor, even though I had minor surgery last year on my eye. It’s a long story, based around my being a bit crap at doing anything about it because it’s not urgent.

I did try and register again when accompanying Kate to another surgery for moral support once, but their list was full and since I was just being a good citizen and trying to register but not actually suffering from anything, I went away. The plan on Wednesday is to go the Walk In Centre in Whitechapel but looking at the details it doesn’t look like they’ll be able to do much there and then, let alone prescribe me with something. And since my records are god knows where it’s unlikely they’ll be able to do anything other than point me in the right direction.

So I looked up the local GP surgeries. As far as I can tell, the doctors in this area deal in one or more of the following specialities: Child Health Surveillance (CHS), IUDs, Maternity services, Minor surgery and Obstetric list. And some of them have an Ante Natal Clinic.

Which is nice.

So, to the walk in centre then, to see where to go next. Apparently they might be able to help with the registration thing too.

On a lighter note, everlasting blort appears to be one of the better hyperactive-teen-geek weblogs

Well, that settles it then!

DIAGNOSIS
Hospital Anxiety and Depression (HAD) scale (results)

The HAD scale measures anxiety and depression. You scored more than 11 for anxiety and more than 11 for depression. These are both highly significant scores which means that you are likely to be suffering from an anxiety disorder and also from depression.

(Before I go on, I should say I don’t like these tests and always err on the side of caution.)

Let’s just say, without going into too many details, that I am ill. I can function on a day to day basis and I will no doubt hide it perfectly from most people I meet, but I am ill. And I’m going to get treated for it.

Sympathy and such is nice, but understanding is preferable. NHS Direct has a pretty good intro but to really understand what it’s like I’d recommend Lewis Wolpert’s Malignant Sadness, which tries to explain scientifically what this illness is, and William Styron’s Darkness Visible, being a straight forward account of his depression. I’m sure there’s loads on the web as well, but these two got as close as I’ve seen to describing exactly what it’s like, far better than I’m able to.

Over the last few months I’ve been repeatedly struck down by this thing-that-cannot-be-adequately-described culminating in a five day stretch which has only just subsided this evening. I expect it’ll be back soon, which is why I’m going to a doctor on Wednesday. Or rather Kate is taking me to a doctor on Wednesday because it’s somewhat doubtful I’ll get out of bed on my own to do so. I’ve been here before so I know what to expect, though this doesn’t really help. After all, I’ve been cured, haven’t I? I used to be a depressive but I got over it. That’s the biggest fucker of the lot really.

Anyway, as far as this site is concerned it’ll be business as usual most of the time. Stupid links, strange pictures, that kinda thing. I don’t want to dwell on it too much in type because I do enough of that in my head, but because I know people who care about me read it, and I know I won’t necessarily be able to tell them in person what’s going on, I’ll try and keep a record of progress or otherwise. At the end of the day it’ll be useful to have some kind of record of what’s happened.

One in ten people suffer from some kind of severe depression at some point in their lives though only about three in ten of them seek help for it. Many, many of my close friends have been there or are there. But no-one likes to talk about it too much. Perhaps I’ll go into this at a later date.

In other news, I unsubscribed from every discussion list I was on, except the ones I own, and plan to take more of a back seat in the online and comics communities in the future. While a somewhat rash decision in retrospect, I felt this need to focus and above all avoid making commitments I might not be able to fulfil. BugPowder is wonderfully self reliant at the moment and I’m grateful to the team of posters who keep things fresh in my absence. It was originally intended as a forum for people to use as they saw fit and it’s got pretty close to realising that. Anyone wanting to join is more than welcome. I’ll still be going to the Comics 2002 festival at Bristol and the nascent London pub meets as these things always raise the spirits. Work wise my secondment at CXR is over in four weeks and I’ll be back at Leadenhall running the Travel section and preparing the returns. I think the regularity of it all will do me some good.

Kate has been wonderful throughout. If she had any sense she’d have left me months ago but I guess that’s love for you. Maybe one day I’ll understand that fully.

I was only going to post the test result and leave it at that but it all came pouring out.

On Friday, as I was loading boxes of books into the Parcelforce van I saw this guy taking a photo of something on a ground. It was a dead pigeon. He spent about 10-15 minutes getting the shots right from a number of angles, but he didn’t appear to touch the bird. I took a photo of him.

HRGiger.com.

Speaking of random photography, the Google webcam and webcam32 searches are still fascinating.

Tom draws attention to the internet non phtography site, which is quite relavent to my current experiments in random photos.