That nice Mr Bagnall sent me a copy of his new comic today, which was super nice of him, but in the letter said “Happy New year! Though reading your recent blogs it doesn’t sound that happy - hope things improve.” Actually, it’s been pretty good, or at least no worse that usual. The temping has been a little trying, but that was only a couple of days out of the ten we’ve had so far this year. I just wanted to get that Wankers thing out of my system.
Anyway, thanks to 5am wakeups for the Solihull commute I’m too pooped to write anything decent tonight. I’m taking tomorrow off to recuperate and maybe start a new project (though that’s jinxed now I’ve mentioned it…) but in the meanwhile a brief anecdote.
At the Land Rover plant I’m doing a job that involves checking something electrical on the vehicles. On one of them the battery dies at an inopportune moment so I have to go get a supervisor. He comes out and confirms the deadness of the battery with the line:
“It’s flatter that a witch’s tit.”
Which, given the tedium of my day, had my brain spinning for hours. Flatter than a witch’s tit? Does that mean something can be as cold as a pancake? Do witch’s generally have flat chests? And why are witch’s tits cold anyway? is it a skyclad thing?
Thinking it through, as I was, excessively, he obviously wanted to say something crude about the flatness of the battery and “pancake” was blatantly not crude enough. There’s nothing manly about comparing things to pancakes after all. So, in the spur of the moment he reached for the nearest metaphor and, possibly because it is rather cold out it being January and all, stumbled upon Wiccan mammaries.
So, if you wanted to comment of the flatness of something and wanted to be crude with it, what metaphor would you use?
Slang’s a strange thing. “flatter than a witch’s tit” is a phrase I’ve heard before. “colder than a witch’s tit” isn’t. So as I read this, I start to thing “wtf is Pete talking about”? Happily Google explained.
I’m not sure I have a general crude/flat metaphor. Flat chests are “dutch alps”, obviously, but that’s hardly general purpose. Hmmm.
tart’s knickers?
whore’s drawers, surely?